On Gaurd II, Who I Am Not

This entry is inspired heavily by CoverGirl, Part II which was a response to Laura's I Am Not Thin To Me, and it's also inspired by Never Judge a Woman by Her CoverGirl.

That's it - the world can go to hell ;) LOL. What I mean is this: I don't give a hoot about the negative remarks people have been dumping on me throughout my life. I'm tired of being negatively defined by other people. Who are you, world, to tell me who I am in God if it's always "you aren't valuable the way you are, you need to change"? Who are you, church, to do the same? Family, who are YOU to shame me? Who are you, period? Well, who are you, anyway? Am I the only one on this path to knowing who I am? (Rhetorical, stressed out question. I KNOW there are other people who are also on this path.)

As I've been on that path, I've still recieved a LOT of negativity about myself from well meaning people who only want to help me be a better person. I KNOW that some of them love me (though others don't). I know that in some cases, they are right, because God pricks my concience about this or that wrong thing I've done. But generally, I, the me that I AM inside, in my heart, am NOT the following:

(((" "))) = this is apparently what someone was thinking at one time - it's what they did anyway

1. Bitch, "go to hell!," F'ed up, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!" (that's my personal favorite - you have to admit, it IS funny ;p)
   
2. Stupid, idiot, retarded, dunce, "you'll never make it through high-school and colleges won't accept you," F-student, D-Average, lucky if you'll get a C on that test, dummy or dum-dum, "can't pay attention to her homework," and "would pass my class if she tried harder" (more specifically, "if she applied herself more")
   
3. Donkey, camel, dog, worm, snake
4. Fat, ugly, tub 'o lard, "your hair is nice and shiny" (it was oily), and "you know, that weird loopy thing your hair does in the back???" (cow-lick)
   
5. Loud, "you don't listen very well," and "you cut others off."
6. Obnoxious, irritating, difficult, annoying, negative, outspoken, uncaring
7. "you don't walk right" and "you slouch too much, no, wait, not enough"
8. "you aren't sanctified like I am" and "you aren't good enough for the drama club"
   
9. ((("it's ok for me to make fun of Caroline, but she isn't allowed to return the gesture")))
10. *hits Caroline on the forehead* "Be healed!" (that one should win an award for the dumbest thing anyone ever did to try to make me feel bad - needless to say, I just stood there with a puzzled look on my face)
11. *pushes Caroline's hugs away* and "God only loves you when you are good"
    
12. "I don't want to be your friend, but I don't know why" and "Hey, let's give Caroline a makeover!" (that's NOT a compliment folks - the underlying message is "Caroline doesn't look good enough for us, or for guys, the way she is - we have to change her so she'll be more acceptable to everyone")
    
13. *kicks Caroline in the groin* (a kid did that to me) and *throws Caroline across the bedroom into the closet* and *grabs Caroline's wrists, shakes her, pushes her around, hits her, kicks her* and "Dear Jesus, thank you for this love and please be with us through the night, Amen" (forced prayer from unloving parents who caused me to believe I'd get no supper if I didn't pray it, though I don't recal their exact words anymore)
14. "You are a bad daughter" and "no man will want to marry you" and "no one will ever want to hire you" and "you'll just get fired because no one will want to keep you."
    
15. "I think I'm in love with you" (when he wasn't at all) and "Let's make love" (we didn't) and "I don't think we should be engaged anymore" and *gives Caroline the silent treatment* and "could we get back together again?"
16. *"If you weren't going to hell before, you sure are now"* and *"No one will EVER love you"* and "You are so Beautiful to me"
17. (With glaring eyes) "Did YOU write JD that love letter?" (ok, I'll admit it, I did, but didn't sign it because golly gee, I didn't think I was good enough for a PK. Hmm... I WONDER WHY...)
18. "No, I can't go to that banquet with you - I'm going to ask VM instead" (it turned out to be a lie.)
19. ((("I had sex with one of your friends while we've been going out, so I'm just going to ignore you now.")))
    
20. Etc.

I no longer accept these messages as a part of my life. They AREN'T me. They ARE however reflections of what different people in my past used to be like. I am God's Woman, His Bride, Beloved by Him, and anyone who thinks differently just might wind up in hell, I don't know. Hopefully not. I hope God will Save these people, set them free, and help them to stop hurting everyone around them. I'm working on not letting these messages hurt me anymore, and I'm also working on forgiving the people who tried to ruin my existance with them. I'm probably not "healed" yet, but I'm working toward it. I had the epiphony today that I NEED to make this list, and probably, so do a LOT of people. It's just part of the healing process.

All compliments (on the fly and completely genuine only, thanks) are totally welcomed ;)

On Gaurd - The Battle Within

I spent all afternoon and evening over at Erik's place with him and his friends, including some Mormon visiters, today. Well, really, yesterday. But who's counting? I've not been able to find it within me to go to sleep. Something about God paying my heart a visit, lots of tears, and a cocoa-tofu smoothie. I dunno - my head's a little foggy.

Long story very short, we did stick fighting in a park near Erik's apartment (his roomie's name is Mike). Then a bunch of us (Erik, Mike, Mike, Victor, and me) went to his place and just worked on our PCs for ages. Then the Mormons came and explained to us how they believe that there are two preist-hoods (Melkisedec and Aaronic), and how through these priesthoods in the Bible and then later in Joseph Smith, they are the chosen denomination. These priesthoods are the keys to perminently having the Holy Spirit, according to them. They are passed down from one person to the next through laying on of hands after baptism.

Oh yes, I had "fun" with them, though this time it really wasn't on purpose. Erik was just dying of laughter as I innocently asked them "Where does the Bible say that you have to have hands laid on you in order to have the Holy Spirit?" and "Isn't God able to just give the Holy Spirit to whomever He will?" I DID mention how I have experienced the Holy Spirit myself and no one has laid hands on me (actually, God just reminded me - when I was 17, for "faith healing" purposes, some well meaning SDAs laid hands on me to try curing my IBS. Turns out Citrucel does the trick ;p) I also asked them "If God = Love, and Nothing can separate me from the Love of God, and God = the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit is with me, then doesn't that mean that God is always with me in the form of the Holy Spirit?" This too was somewhat innocent (on my part) but in all honesty, I did sense God speaking through me at that point.

It was what happened after the Mormons left that really was the reason I was there. Again, long story short, I made an "ass" of myself (though no one called me that, yet it's still an inside joke between us) while observing my own fears and defensiveness regarding ever meeting up with those Mormons again (I've had a bad experience in the past). I feared that they would insist that I convert, and I decided to take a defensive posture if they ever did try to force me to convert. This is SO wrong though. Yet it is SO like the women in my family! I am my mother's daughter. I should have not submitted my heart to these people. I should have trusted that my Relationship with God is enough for me - I don't need to defend it to anyone, nor do I need to protect myself from the "attacks" (spiritually or otherwise) from others - rather I need to "guard" my heart by only caring what God thinks of me and not what anyone else does.

I'll just list out here some words of wisdom from God through Erik. Whenever I'm attacked, I need to do the following:

1. Don't give my heart to ________________. It belongs to God alone.

And say the following and wait for a response after each question:

1. Why did you say/do that?
2. Did you want to hurt me?
3. Why did you want to hurt me?
4. I choose not to be hurt by you.

Another good question is "Why did you lie to me?" and "Why are you afraid of me?"

Anywho, once I'm alone with God and can really talk things out with Him, I should do the following:

1. Ask God if He has a problem with me the way that person does. Is there something He wants me to learn?

Good stuff. Good times. Good memories.

:D

Where I'm From

I found this poem on L & L's blog, and TOTALLY enjoyed it so much! It really IS Laura's life and upbringing in a nutshell :) I clicked a link, went to the template, and now want to give it a whack myself. This is a good exercise for me, as I am discovering for myself who I am, what it is that has made me who I am, etc. *Laura used it to show mainly her growing up years. I'd like to use it to show my Life in God as it is now. I hope that actually works ;) It's a New Life, only a few months old... I hope I have enough "material" to do this with :D

Where I'm From:

I am from the Bible, from the Fruits of the Spirit, from the Camacho's prayers, and Erik's Bible study.

I am from the flat Hill Road scene.

I am from the roses, tulips, butternut squash, cherry-tomatoes, and the green beens.

I am from political jokes and love of chocolate, from mother and the Roots and the Blooms.

I am from the need to yell and the need to be right all the time.

From "You are a ray of sunshine!" and "You aren't worth anything".

I am from Messianic-Jewish dancing, Shabbat, Havdallah, Pesach, Shavuot, Rosh Hoshannah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hannukah, and Purim. I am from the Bible's culture, customs, and ways as Israel has been lead by God Himself in both Testaments and beyond them.

I'm from Boulder, CO, the Ute, England, France, Germany, Russia, and Ireland. I am from German-Jewish cooking and waffles with butter and syrup.

From the travails and joys of autism, the hurts of knowing dad still doesn't like me, and the "joys" of mom's menopause.

I am from 70's cloth photo albums, photo files, slides, home movies, VHS and DVD family videos, photos on the wall and on the china-cupboard, and photos on our dressors. I am from countless hours of old family photo restoration projects on my computer that never really got finished.

I am from conception in the face of 4 different forms of birth control, from safety during over-head lightning storms and during car accidents (that both did and should have happened). I am from hundreds of hours filled with tears, and thousands filled with hollow laughter, and yet I'm still here because of God reaching out to me. I am from God.

*Laura extended hers into a warm and lengthy poetic form. To be honest, I'm just lucky to get all the blanks filled in!

I'm a What???

I just took this personality test at 158.careersite.com (after registering) through the Jobs.Tri-cities.com site. I think they hit the nail on the head... :p

Dominant
By nature, you are inclined to be hightly outgoing, assertive and sociable. You will generally have little difficulty expressing yourself, working with others or functioning in group settings. In addition, you are likely to take a dominant or lead role in many situations. As a result, you may tend to seek out situations in which you can relate with and influence others.

Innovative
You tend to be open-minded, imaginative and curious. You are likely to feel comfortable in roles which enable you to try out novel approaches, ideas and methods. At the same time, you may prefer to steer clear of environments which are highly routine or bureaucratic, as they depend upon individuals who prefer to stick to well-established rules and procedures.

Resilient
Overall, you are likely to deal with most routine problems and situations with comfort, inner strength and resilience. While you may experience some heightened stress at times and would benefit from a management approach which is supportive, you will generally exhibit the resilience required to deal with these conditions and to move forward.

Helpful
In dealing with others, you will usually come across to others as good natured, supportive and generous. At the same time, you can set limits with people if need be. You can also assume a tough-minded stance when independence and objectivity are required. In general, you will be friendly, cordial and get along well with customers, co-workers and others with whom you come in contact.

Conscientious
You are likely to be diligent and dependable, particularly when tasks are interesting and priorities and expectations are well-defined. At the same time, you may become bored or distracted with tasks that are overly routine or repetitive. As a result, you may want to seek out work environments in which there are opportunities to engage in a variety of activities and tasks. In addition, you may find it valuable to periodically review expectations with supervisors or others to make sure that your understanding of priorities are consistent with the needs of the organization.

Here's another personality test I took:

Hehehe - My Personal Dna Report ;)

And here are three more tests I took:



Which Nigerian spammer are You?



Which OS are You?


Which File Extension are You?