On Gaurd II, Who I Am Not

This entry is inspired heavily by CoverGirl, Part II which was a response to Laura's I Am Not Thin To Me, and it's also inspired by Never Judge a Woman by Her CoverGirl.

That's it - the world can go to hell ;) LOL. What I mean is this: I don't give a hoot about the negative remarks people have been dumping on me throughout my life. I'm tired of being negatively defined by other people. Who are you, world, to tell me who I am in God if it's always "you aren't valuable the way you are, you need to change"? Who are you, church, to do the same? Family, who are YOU to shame me? Who are you, period? Well, who are you, anyway? Am I the only one on this path to knowing who I am? (Rhetorical, stressed out question. I KNOW there are other people who are also on this path.)

As I've been on that path, I've still recieved a LOT of negativity about myself from well meaning people who only want to help me be a better person. I KNOW that some of them love me (though others don't). I know that in some cases, they are right, because God pricks my concience about this or that wrong thing I've done. But generally, I, the me that I AM inside, in my heart, am NOT the following:

(((" "))) = this is apparently what someone was thinking at one time - it's what they did anyway

1. Bitch, "go to hell!," F'ed up, "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?!" (that's my personal favorite - you have to admit, it IS funny ;p)
   
2. Stupid, idiot, retarded, dunce, "you'll never make it through high-school and colleges won't accept you," F-student, D-Average, lucky if you'll get a C on that test, dummy or dum-dum, "can't pay attention to her homework," and "would pass my class if she tried harder" (more specifically, "if she applied herself more")
   
3. Donkey, camel, dog, worm, snake
4. Fat, ugly, tub 'o lard, "your hair is nice and shiny" (it was oily), and "you know, that weird loopy thing your hair does in the back???" (cow-lick)
   
5. Loud, "you don't listen very well," and "you cut others off."
6. Obnoxious, irritating, difficult, annoying, negative, outspoken, uncaring
7. "you don't walk right" and "you slouch too much, no, wait, not enough"
8. "you aren't sanctified like I am" and "you aren't good enough for the drama club"
   
9. ((("it's ok for me to make fun of Caroline, but she isn't allowed to return the gesture")))
10. *hits Caroline on the forehead* "Be healed!" (that one should win an award for the dumbest thing anyone ever did to try to make me feel bad - needless to say, I just stood there with a puzzled look on my face)
11. *pushes Caroline's hugs away* and "God only loves you when you are good"
    
12. "I don't want to be your friend, but I don't know why" and "Hey, let's give Caroline a makeover!" (that's NOT a compliment folks - the underlying message is "Caroline doesn't look good enough for us, or for guys, the way she is - we have to change her so she'll be more acceptable to everyone")
    
13. *kicks Caroline in the groin* (a kid did that to me) and *throws Caroline across the bedroom into the closet* and *grabs Caroline's wrists, shakes her, pushes her around, hits her, kicks her* and "Dear Jesus, thank you for this love and please be with us through the night, Amen" (forced prayer from unloving parents who caused me to believe I'd get no supper if I didn't pray it, though I don't recal their exact words anymore)
14. "You are a bad daughter" and "no man will want to marry you" and "no one will ever want to hire you" and "you'll just get fired because no one will want to keep you."
    
15. "I think I'm in love with you" (when he wasn't at all) and "Let's make love" (we didn't) and "I don't think we should be engaged anymore" and *gives Caroline the silent treatment* and "could we get back together again?"
16. *"If you weren't going to hell before, you sure are now"* and *"No one will EVER love you"* and "You are so Beautiful to me"
17. (With glaring eyes) "Did YOU write JD that love letter?" (ok, I'll admit it, I did, but didn't sign it because golly gee, I didn't think I was good enough for a PK. Hmm... I WONDER WHY...)
18. "No, I can't go to that banquet with you - I'm going to ask VM instead" (it turned out to be a lie.)
19. ((("I had sex with one of your friends while we've been going out, so I'm just going to ignore you now.")))
    
20. Etc.

I no longer accept these messages as a part of my life. They AREN'T me. They ARE however reflections of what different people in my past used to be like. I am God's Woman, His Bride, Beloved by Him, and anyone who thinks differently just might wind up in hell, I don't know. Hopefully not. I hope God will Save these people, set them free, and help them to stop hurting everyone around them. I'm working on not letting these messages hurt me anymore, and I'm also working on forgiving the people who tried to ruin my existance with them. I'm probably not "healed" yet, but I'm working toward it. I had the epiphony today that I NEED to make this list, and probably, so do a LOT of people. It's just part of the healing process.

All compliments (on the fly and completely genuine only, thanks) are totally welcomed ;)