The Little Girl Within
I won't explain publically what led to my need to remember who I was as a kid. But I want to post here why it's so important to me to remember that little girl. God gave me a picture of my heart, by showing her to me, early this morning or late last night, and telling me "Caroline, take care of this kid, and let her take care of you." He told me a few other things through my "hearing" what she had to say, and in all honesty, in my head, she's become kind of like a 3-D comic-strip charictor, who I've dubbed "Diva QT.
I keep remembering what I looked like when I looked in the mirror one Sabbath morning when I was about 5. I was wearing a yellow dress, brushing my hair with mom's big brush, looking just barely over the top of my parents' dresser that had a mirror standing on the back (they still have it to this day). I smiled at myself and thought "Wow." I really WAS cute ;D At that age, I had already learned that my parents didn't really like me as I was, and I had learned to be honest with them about it - yet it always came with a price, but I didn't care if they did beat me for it, take away supper, etc. I was honest. Always. And I LOVED myself for it. Right then, in that moment, I was the epitomy of me. I was truly that "little ray of sunshine" that a much older Caroline (in her 60s) at my church had called me not long before that. I knew I was special, at least to someone out there, and I knew I was special to me.
This was before I had ever really done anything wrong. This was before non-family members had really done much wrong to me (though I was abused one Sabbath morning by a "helper" in my Kindergarden class, but that wasn't an ongoing thing, though after that, the fear of her was ongoing). It was one thing to be treated wrong by my own family - somehow, I actually excused that away in my head, and figured that all parents must be like that to their kids. I just assumed that all parents were jerks. But I also assumed that other kids were probably like me - sweet, innocent, playful, fun... I had NO idea that somehow, satan had already been using those kids in Sabbath School, and later in my regular day-school (also SDA, and same kids), against each other to hurt each other and cause each other to think it was ok to hurt anyone they felt like. Over the next 5 years or so, I learned the truth about that. And the little girl hid in a distant corner, in the shadows, out of view, even of my own discerning eyes which are more accustomed to darkness than to light.
The girl that I was, that fun, happy-go-lucky Diva, that cutie staring back at me in the mirror that one day, DID NOT deserve to go through all that she did. In all honesty, I kind of think that no one deserved that when they first started out in life, and that includes people who've hurt me, which are many. I don't care about the theology of this at all right now. I'm looking at that kid, and honestly, I can't judge her and say "you were born wicked, you evil little hellion, so just go and die for all of eternity, you "B"! Oh, and PS, there's a Man who did die 2,000 years ago to save your sorry little butt, so now you have to go apologise to Him for everything you do wrong, and by the way, if you make any mistakes, in this lifetime, you're going to feel His Wrath and He's going to punish you..." Blah blah. I can't do it. I don't have the heart to make her cry like that, and in all honesty, I don't believe that's the way everything works anyway. I don't believe kids are inherantly bad little devils who need their butts whipped into gear. I don't believe they should be lied to, being told they did right when they did wrong! Or just having all the natural (real, not enforced) consequences of their actions held away from them so that they never learn the difference between good and not so good choices for their own lives! I just don't believe God should be used as leverage against my Precious Diva. She's too Cute for that ;D
Anyway, so yes, I think that I, and everyone else on this planet, was born inherantly either neither good nor bad, or else good. In truth, I'm leaning towards the good side. Why? Because all my Darling Diva wanted to do was go outside and play, make friends, and have fun. She never wanted to hurt anyone. I NEVER wanted to hurt anyone. I still don't. Yeah, I've played on this memory of who I was almost as if she were real, but I guess, in a way, I kind of have to do that right now. I HAVE to remember who I REALLY AM! I have to remember the Star within me! I have to KNOW that I don't deserve all the negative messages I seem to get from so many people, from so many angles in life. The truth is, no one will ever be happy with me. Notice how I phrased that. I didn't say "I'll never please everyone." I didn't put the emphasis on me, but rather on others who choose to be unhappy with me! And there ARE plenty of those, both past and present.
I'm done WORRYING about my worth/value. I'm done looking for it in others. (Heh - that's the general plan ;p). That doesn't mean that I don't care what people think at all - it just means that when someone says something to me that sounds like they don't like me, or don't like something about me, I'm going to remember who I really AM inside, for real, and that what others say about me or what they feel toward me or think of me may not necessarily be the real truth about me, even if they know me really well.
This actually frees people up to be honest with me, to tell me what they think of me. It's ok to do that now, because I KNOW who I really am inside and that I'm INCREDIBLY valuable, to myself, and to the God of the Universe who Made me, Loves me, Claimed me as His own, and offered me everything - more than half the Kingdom - His very own Life!
Now, my real challange is to see the Diva in everyone else, and value that spirit within everyone, respect it, and treat it right. Ok, another name for the Spirit God gave her is Jesus, but most people (including me) see Him as a man, so heh, I gave that little kid a girl's name ;D No, no, I'm not claiming to be Jesus! But there was some of Him born into me, and I suspect, born into all of us. That's what I'm talking about here.
I keep remembering what I looked like when I looked in the mirror one Sabbath morning when I was about 5. I was wearing a yellow dress, brushing my hair with mom's big brush, looking just barely over the top of my parents' dresser that had a mirror standing on the back (they still have it to this day). I smiled at myself and thought "Wow." I really WAS cute ;D At that age, I had already learned that my parents didn't really like me as I was, and I had learned to be honest with them about it - yet it always came with a price, but I didn't care if they did beat me for it, take away supper, etc. I was honest. Always. And I LOVED myself for it. Right then, in that moment, I was the epitomy of me. I was truly that "little ray of sunshine" that a much older Caroline (in her 60s) at my church had called me not long before that. I knew I was special, at least to someone out there, and I knew I was special to me.
This was before I had ever really done anything wrong. This was before non-family members had really done much wrong to me (though I was abused one Sabbath morning by a "helper" in my Kindergarden class, but that wasn't an ongoing thing, though after that, the fear of her was ongoing). It was one thing to be treated wrong by my own family - somehow, I actually excused that away in my head, and figured that all parents must be like that to their kids. I just assumed that all parents were jerks. But I also assumed that other kids were probably like me - sweet, innocent, playful, fun... I had NO idea that somehow, satan had already been using those kids in Sabbath School, and later in my regular day-school (also SDA, and same kids), against each other to hurt each other and cause each other to think it was ok to hurt anyone they felt like. Over the next 5 years or so, I learned the truth about that. And the little girl hid in a distant corner, in the shadows, out of view, even of my own discerning eyes which are more accustomed to darkness than to light.
The girl that I was, that fun, happy-go-lucky Diva, that cutie staring back at me in the mirror that one day, DID NOT deserve to go through all that she did. In all honesty, I kind of think that no one deserved that when they first started out in life, and that includes people who've hurt me, which are many. I don't care about the theology of this at all right now. I'm looking at that kid, and honestly, I can't judge her and say "you were born wicked, you evil little hellion, so just go and die for all of eternity, you "B"! Oh, and PS, there's a Man who did die 2,000 years ago to save your sorry little butt, so now you have to go apologise to Him for everything you do wrong, and by the way, if you make any mistakes, in this lifetime, you're going to feel His Wrath and He's going to punish you..." Blah blah. I can't do it. I don't have the heart to make her cry like that, and in all honesty, I don't believe that's the way everything works anyway. I don't believe kids are inherantly bad little devils who need their butts whipped into gear. I don't believe they should be lied to, being told they did right when they did wrong! Or just having all the natural (real, not enforced) consequences of their actions held away from them so that they never learn the difference between good and not so good choices for their own lives! I just don't believe God should be used as leverage against my Precious Diva. She's too Cute for that ;D
Anyway, so yes, I think that I, and everyone else on this planet, was born inherantly either neither good nor bad, or else good. In truth, I'm leaning towards the good side. Why? Because all my Darling Diva wanted to do was go outside and play, make friends, and have fun. She never wanted to hurt anyone. I NEVER wanted to hurt anyone. I still don't. Yeah, I've played on this memory of who I was almost as if she were real, but I guess, in a way, I kind of have to do that right now. I HAVE to remember who I REALLY AM! I have to remember the Star within me! I have to KNOW that I don't deserve all the negative messages I seem to get from so many people, from so many angles in life. The truth is, no one will ever be happy with me. Notice how I phrased that. I didn't say "I'll never please everyone." I didn't put the emphasis on me, but rather on others who choose to be unhappy with me! And there ARE plenty of those, both past and present.
I'm done WORRYING about my worth/value. I'm done looking for it in others. (Heh - that's the general plan ;p). That doesn't mean that I don't care what people think at all - it just means that when someone says something to me that sounds like they don't like me, or don't like something about me, I'm going to remember who I really AM inside, for real, and that what others say about me or what they feel toward me or think of me may not necessarily be the real truth about me, even if they know me really well.
This actually frees people up to be honest with me, to tell me what they think of me. It's ok to do that now, because I KNOW who I really am inside and that I'm INCREDIBLY valuable, to myself, and to the God of the Universe who Made me, Loves me, Claimed me as His own, and offered me everything - more than half the Kingdom - His very own Life!
Now, my real challange is to see the Diva in everyone else, and value that spirit within everyone, respect it, and treat it right. Ok, another name for the Spirit God gave her is Jesus, but most people (including me) see Him as a man, so heh, I gave that little kid a girl's name ;D No, no, I'm not claiming to be Jesus! But there was some of Him born into me, and I suspect, born into all of us. That's what I'm talking about here.
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 9:50 PM
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