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Heart & Home Programs

Ok, I've made a rather weird decision. If God wants to carry it out, He will. I think He does want to. We'll see. I want to start some private charities and programs where, when funding is needed, the money will come from the public in some way.

1. The first on this list is actually a ministry that I decided I want to start - one that helps Christian young women who've been raised in overly conservative, repressed, abusive homes, to learn about God's love for them. That will most likely just be a web site of some kind.

2. A charity I want to start is one that's similar to the ARC program of Washington State, excepting that it's actually FOR families of developmentally disabled/challenged children and adults who need care-taking. My brother Jeff is on the ARC program, but it's tailor made for senior citizens who are expected to die within a couple or so years. This causes all kinds of problems for the families of dev. dis. young adults, and real problems for the families of dev. dis. kids (because those families recieve no funding, counselling, or anything at all from this or other programs). So, I want to start a charity that speaks to the unmet needs of those families - one which would be supplimental to the ARC program (and similar programs in other states), and which would also work in concert with such programs (rather than rivaling them, which would only hurt the dev. disabled and their families in the end).

I've had other ideas in the past, but can't recall them at the moment. So, periodically, I'll be updating this list. As for my web site, Adventist Singles Cafe, behind the scenes work on it has gone well and steady for 2 years, though currently, Sharif and I are taking a break from that until I can find a job and start paying him myself. He's an awsome PHP/MySQL programmer! I highly recommend him.

Honey Reincarnated

Just before I wigged out on Laura and Leslie, my favorite fish, "Honey" died. She was a light pink and lavendar Beta fish who I had taken good care of for 2 years or so. Then I was too depressed at the time to take care of her consistantly - I often forgot to feed her and change her water. So, as would be expected, she got an incurable infection and died. I posted an eptiaph for her, buried her in Vicki's back yard (the cat dug Honey up and ate her), cried a couple of tears, and then moved on with my life (and eventually in to my parents' newly bought house).

Today, I had the chance to see what Honey could have been like, if she had only been put under the right circumstances. See, Honey was more like an Alpha than a Beta ;) She attacked the other Beta fish I first had with her, which died probably more from fright than from disease. She couldn't stand to have her medium sized tank near the tanks of any other fish where she could see them. But I loved her. Funny, I can love an unloving pet, but it takes me 31 years to learn to love a person no matter what they are like. Ah well, anywho. Bottom line is that Honey was a rude fish, and so she lived alone, happy to swim freely in her own neighborless environment.

I've spent all of today in my anonymous friend's dorm room, recouping from a night of God Using me to reach her in ways I could never have imagined. Mostly sleeping, finally. But also, I've spent some time awake. I got to find out Querty's sex and name and I'm SO HAPPY for Laura and Leslie, the pappa and the momma... I was on one of my trips down from the top bunk (that's been a real adventure for me - I never used a top bunk before), for a break from my napping, though this time it was just to turn the light off, when I noticed my friend's fish. Now, in my dilerium last night, I had kind of acknowledged the existance of these tropical delights, but honestly, my eyes were blurry, my head throbbed, my throat was horse, my ears itched... I was too miserable to genuinely pay these creatures the real attention they are due. And so, I decided to really just stand there and observe them for a minute this afternoon. And I realized the paradox of how it is that my friend's Beta fish, who looks JUST LIKE HONEY did (same color combo) could be so friendly toward the other much smaller and more vulnerable fish in the same tank. In fact, one of the other fish, not a Beta (don't know what kind) seems to rule the tank, scaring the poor little fishies away from it. Anyway, I have a theory: I think that "Honey Reincarnated" was forced to get along with her fish neighborhood, or else die trying to kill so many of them at once.

I've learned so much about myself in the last few days. One lesson I had come to realize was that if I keep pushing my friends away, eventually I won't have any left. I also learned something about the Body of the Messiah: when we go against His Ways, when we push people away because we find fault or just don't get along with them, or we just don't feel like making the time for them and room in our hearts for them, we not only become very lonely, but we also become "oposite Messiahs," where instead of showing people the Gospel of Salvation in the Messiah, we just show people how they aren't valued by us. When we do that, then do that in God's name, we are, in my book, blaspheming His Holy Name.

Nothing makes me sicker than to see what happens when our young people get booted out of school, church, or conference jobs, because they get "caught" breaking the "rules" that were intended to protect them, supposedly out of our well intentioned love for them. There are false mind-sets at play that people use as excuses to reject our young people. First of all, there's the lie that kids influence each other, and that Adventist adults always set good examples to be followed. For one, kids make up their own minds about things all the time, and these days, individuality is "in" and conformity is "out." So, kids don't tend to wnat to be just like each other anyway, especially when one kid does something really dumb that destroys the rest of their lives (pregnancy, drug/alcohal over dosing, perminent heart/lung damage...)

Another lie is that "We have to look good to the community in order to make God look good, so we have to expell all the evil-doers." Ok, first off - that's SO not from God, to want to get rid of people who are sinners (that's everyone, btw). And secondly, duh, the "community" isn't stupid: even they love their own enough to not judge the way we so often do! They can tell when we are not being Godly, they know that it's wrong to just dump someone off on the edge of life's road just because they made a (often big) error in judgement. They know biggots when they see them.

A major lie, particularly in regards to teen pregnancy, is that if all the other girls see one girl "enjoying" pregnancy and motherhood, then they'll want it too! LOL! Yes, while Laura is finding so many things to enjoy about pregnancy and motherhood (for she is already a mom *snickers*), well, just go read the blog she and Leslie have faithfully kept all this time: there are aspects to life during the first tri-mester alone that would more than "turn off" any teen girl who's tempted to want to try having a baby. IF our teen girls were ALLOWED to see what life is like when a teen girl in their school gets pregnant, has her baby, and is still trying to be in school at the same time AND working to support her child!, then um, yeah, I DON'T believe that the majority of the girls would even be REMOTELY temnpted to even risk going through all of that. Should girls who've had babies be allowed to bring them to school? Absolutely. One week with a newly installed baby-changing station, hamper for smelly cloth diapers and a separate trash-can for smelly disposable diapers, plus the regular intrutions of diaper services, breast-feeding during math exams, etc, etc, etc... Can you see where I'm goinig with this? If you put the pedal to the metal, and cary through the reality of the scenario, then I honestly can't see how it would entice other girls to want to join in. Heh - not to mention the loss of the "Barbie doll figure" that makes at least some of these girls so attractive to the guys in the first place. While Laura is one of the few moms out there who actually LOOKS BEAUTIFUL PREGNANT, a lot of young pregnant moms simply just can't carry it off. And then of course, there are the break-ups with lousy boyfriends, the rumors, the glares and stares from judgmental people who just don't care...

Ok, now that I'm done arguing that point and ticking off a LOT of good and holy people out there who just want to pounce on me...

My point is simply this: God has been changing me from a rude Beta to a "kinder, gentler" Beta, and He has used His version of "Reincarnation" to do this, by bringing me a New Life that I'm still just learning to Live. Before I met Erik, the only person on my IMer was Sharif, and that was just so that I could contact him when my PC crashed or something (between work days). After I met Erik, and God started this whole process that I've been through, God has added more and more "neighbors" into my "fish tank." Yes, my "Alpha" traits didn't dissapear over night, and I attacked a few of my "fishy" friends, but over time, I've learned the value of peacefully co-existing. Now, this does not mean that my friends can push me around! Just as "HR" doesn't get pushed around (she is a formidable fish ;) ), neither do I (as I proved this morning (long story). But she doesn't seek out other fish to destroy, and I am at least less prone to pick arguements or push myself onto people than I was before. Before, I lived in a lot of isolation for several years. Now I have so many friends who I stay in contact with in one way or another, that I found myself thinking just this morning "God, do what you want, but I'm HAPPY with this many friends, and don't know if I could handle anymore!" LOL - I can hear God snickering at me now, as my friend's roommate yells at her dad over the phone - she's hurting a lot, I think. No, she doesn't know about this blog. Hey you, if you read this blog later on and I forget to say it, I'll say it here: I can tell that you are hurting a lot as your on the phone, so no, I don't judge you for the yelling at your dad thing (also, I still yell at my dad when pushed to it too).

Well, I guess that's about all I have to say at the moment. I need to go down for another nap :p And then go home, shower, eat, drink water, and then yay - I'm off to my Messianic Jewish dancing class! Ah, the calories are blazing ;)

I Litterally Hurt

This IS the desert. I have had about 5 hours of sleep in 2 days, have drunk about 3 cups of water, and have now had 2 meals in the same length of time. I'm too tired to count off the hours, so I'll just round it to 2 days. Also, my hip is back to hurting again. Please keep it in prayer too, along with the rest of this stuff.

Anywho, in that time, I've made up with Laura and Lesle & heard Querty's heartbeat (Yay - thanks so much God for working all that out!), found out what I was missing out on all these years in my relationship with my dad, and found out that all the sucky things that happened in my life were not a waist of my time after all - they happened so that I would be equipped to help out a dear friend of mine who will forever remain anonymous. And, yet once again, I've made a deal with God. Last time, it was that I don't want to be in Heaven if He won't give another Beautiful friend of mine a Real chance at True Life. This time, it was that I won't want to be with Him if He won't be as good to my anonymous friend after the mistakes she's made as He's been to me after all the stupid, rotten things I've done in my life.

I want to gripe here for a minute. I HATE Perfectionism and all that it breeds, mainly contempt, but also mistrust and a lot of other jazz. I HATE it when people can't Forgive each other for things.

Oh, wait, if I want to be a Jeddi, *snickers,* I guess I have to not hate. Ok, I'll love people like that in spite of themselves, as God continues Leading me to be able to do that.

I have to go. I'm just so tired.

There MUST be a God.